The Act of Authenticity
Being yourself isn’t expressing every passing emotion — it’s acting in alignment with your values. Leadership requires a repertoire of roles, all rehearsed. The most “natural” leaders are usually the most painstakingly practiced.
The internet will tell you that authenticity means showing up unfiltered, in the same way, everywhere you go.
But that’s not really how it works.
“Being yourself” is acting in alignment with your values, not expressing every passing emotion, thought, or instinct.
In life, we end up in different roles that require different things of us. “The Parent”, “The Bride or Groom”, “The First Date”. Our behavior and demeanor might look very different across these contexts, but we’re still behaving authentically.
We also practice and prepare for these roles. It’s not fake to read books on parenting, write your vows, or research date spots. Rather, they’re prerequisites to fulfilling the role in a way you can be proud of.
The same goes for leadership. And being a leader isn’t a single, monolithic act — but a vast repertoire. The Coach draws out potential in the people around them. The Boss sets clear standards without flinching. The Visionary makes people feel like they’re a part of something bigger.
There are many more archetypes — and each role has plenty of gray area, nuance, and room for individual grace-notes.
Staying aligned to your values while in these roles takes practice and preparation… because it’s not the default. When bad things happen, our instincts kick in. The Boss panics at a major setback, spreading waves of anxiety down the line. The Coach freezes up and says the wrong thing.
The same way it takes years of training for a musician or an artist or an actor to be able to evoke a specific emotion on demand, it takes leaders years to master the many, many acts of leadership.
How to Practice
My favorite role is The Coach. I love a make-over montage. Seeing the potential in others is easy and natural to me. I love giving others confidence and helping others see what I see.
But my preferences and natural instincts didn’t mean I was a good coach.
No one likes unsolicited advice. It’s shitty to think of another human being as a “before” picture. And with direct reports, The Coach needs to transition seamlessly into The Boss — a role I enjoyed a lot less.
Getting good at The Coach meant that I had to spend a lot of time unpacking why I felt such an urge to “help”. I needed to learn the difference between what truly needed fixing, vs. what was just my ego looking for a make-over montage to hijack.
I also had to get really, really good at The Boss — someone who makes others stand up straighter just by being in the room.
On top of it all, I needed it to look natural. In the early days, that meant practicing feedback sessions into a webcam across different scenarios.
What if things go well?
What if they get angry?
What if I make them cry?
It all felt counterintuitive and very, very silly. (POV: pretending your webcam is weeping.)
Had I winged it, my instincts would have kicked in. I might backtrack legitimate feedback at the first sight of tears. If someone said something hurtful in the heat of the moment, I might have burst into tears myself.
I needed to prepare in order to do my role well. Would you believe praise that felt stilted and unnatural? Would you take someone — stammering and visibly nervous — seriously? How would you feel if your boss burst into tears during your 1:1?
That version of me doesn’t reflect who I want to be. Nor was it the leader my team deserved.
No one gets it right every time. The point is to care enough to try; it’s about honoring the weight of the role instead of shrinking from it.
Just like actors who seem to vanish into the characters they play, the most “natural” leaders are often the most painstakingly rehearsed of all.
You’re not getting better at “faking it”; you’re giving your values a fighting chance against your instincts.